Raising our kids in church - or not

As a committed, regular-mass-attending Catholic parent, I want my sons to grow up in the church and stay in the church when they become adults. We've gone to church every week and they've attended Catholic schools since kindergarten. We love the parish we attend, and it has some great youth programs. Yet, they aren't so sure about Catholicism.

I understand that teenagers and young adults doubt; they have to find their own faith, and that's natural. And I'm aware that close to half of young adults raised in a particular church end up switching churches or stop attending altogether. I wonder why this is? Just what is it about religious formation that we are getting wrong when half of the kids later abandon it?

And then this past Sunday I read an article in the New York Times about a young teenager who wasn't raised in a church at all, who decided he wanted to start attending. The article said that 54 percent of such kids end up choosing a church at some point.

So half the kids raised in churches leave them, and half the kids not raised in churches join them. What does that mean for us parents, and for religious educators?

For me, I think it means that I have to more explicitly link our family's values to the church; I think that will help my sons make some connections. What are those values?

We're not perfect, and we're not going to expect or demand perfection - just that you give it your best shot. And when you do fail at something, we're not going to abandon you or give up on you. We're going to talk about it, see what can be done to fix or improve it, and keep on moving forward.

The church isn't perfect - which is easy to see these days. But we're not going to abandon it; we will work in our local church to make it better and to help it keep moving forward to do its work. Perfect doesn't exist around here, so let's not expect it - neither in us and our family nor in the church.

There's more than one way to be 'family'. We have our way, and it works pretty good most of the time. Other families are different, and they work too. There's more than one way to 'be' Catholic. Our way works for us, and it's different than some other people we know. And it's different than what some of your religion teachers have taught; they were teaching you about what they think is best, and that's not the only way.

We don't always agree with each other; sometimes we don't like each other much, either - but we're still a family. Mom and I love each other, and have been committed to each other for a long time but now and then we fight about things. Doesn't your brother get on your nerves sometimes? Through all this, we stick together as a family because the love we have far outweighs the difficulties among us.

Same goes for people in the church - there are all kinds of people, and sometimes we will disagree and sometimes those disagreements will be pretty serious. It's love that keeps us coming back to worship together because we're better together than apart.

Our family has changed over time. Sometimes it's been slow, sometimes pretty quick. Sometimes the change is in others, sometimes it's in us; often it's all of us changing in response to each other and the issues we're facing. But we are not the same family now that we were 10 years ago, or even 10 months ago.

The church changes over time, too. It changes slower than families, but the change is there. Sometimes the change is in us, and often the change is all around us. Read-up on what church was like in the 70's or 50's; it was a lot different in centuries past.

Well, that makes sense to me. Would it have made sense to me as a teenager? I think so - but that's been a long time ago.

Comments

[jim]

Good to have you back with us! I think if we "live it", and live it with "life" in it, and as truthful as we can be in it all, then we've done all we can do other than trusting Him with our kids as they go. I left my church after a 30-year relationship and two of my daughters yet attend it. I don't regret raising them in it, give thanks for where they are now, and visit on occasion. Through iut all, God remains faithful.....

[Victor]

Right on Steve! We're all "ONE Family" in Christ with our daily UPs and Downs because Christ said in so many words to love one another as I have loved you which seems very hard at times but we keep trying just the same.

Good Post Steve,

[+ Alan]

Interesting stuff, Steve. Funny - I was one of the kids who was not raised in any church and ended up choosing to say yes to Christ in the Catholic Church at the age of 13. I drifted out, into other Christian realms, for several years, and have been "back in" for a couple of years, along with my whole family. It will be interesting to see how my kids deal with being Catholic Christians in the years to come. I think you're definitely right about weaving it all together into the life of the family. Being Christian people has always been the core of our family and we've tried to allow that faith to "infect" everything we are. It seems to have worked fairly well so far. As you say, we're certainly not perfect, and we all know it. But it'll still be interesting to see how things pan out. In the mean time, we'll keep teaching through life and praying. Peace to you.

[James]

Thanks Steve, I really enjoy your blog. It has been a source of MUCH spiritual nourishment and food for thought so thank you.

As a young adult who grapples with these issues, I think the way forward has to be one grounded in prayer and community. Young adults are trying to find their way in the world, there are alot of conflicting messages out there. I have experienced Ignatian 'immersion' trips where the faith and justice come together in a very real way to be helpful in offering 'conversion' experiences where it becomes real and we see more readily the fullness of 'Salvation history' and how it is alive today. Praying with the gospels, resting with the Lord, and how that moves us to act, has to be part of what we do. The church, with traditions like Ignatian spirituality, as source of wisdom and deepening. I think we also need faith communities like Christian Life Community to spring up among the laity and sustain this sense of shared life together "in Christ".

The faith becomes "real" at the deepest core of our being, and we realise it's not so much what the church is saying, but that the Church is an instrument pointing to Jesus, like the icons that have Mary pointing to her son, the church points to Jesus, and we see Jesus in the Eucharist and in the Gospels saying "love your enemies" and we realise that is a statement that could have a whole lifetime of contemplating, of deepening, of entering into a new humility, as we contemplate this Christ, (the mystery is this: Christ within you! - St Paul) who we bring to the world not so much by what we do, but by who we are becoming, and what that then means for how we are doing things.

People believe people for their story and the way they are more than what they are being told. I think one of the great secrets of people of faith is "silence". In silence, we can choose to become aware of the presence of God, and so with faith in this presence, we can bear witness to that presence by the way we act, and that witness to the presence (and absence) and the sense that we are reverencing everything not consciously necessarily, but just in who we are becoming, we will be helpful for people to see the prophetic message of the Kingdom of God than anything we tell them.

Here are some interesting articles I've read recently, one on spiritual formation http://anamchara.com/formation/whatisformation/ and another by James Martin on becoming a saint by becoming who we are http://woodstock.georgetown.edu/resources/articles/Jim-Martin-How-to-Become-a-Saint.html and another about the Ignatian exercises becoming normative experiences for adult Catholics http://bcm.bc.edu/issues/winter_2009/c21_notes/born-again.html Blessings and prayers to you and your family Steve! I think of Julian of Norwich's "all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."

[Cura Animarum]

Hi Steve,

I've been away from blogging myself for awhile but it's nice to see some familiar favorites still up and running!

Our kids are making that transition from teen to adulthood (16 and 20) and my wife and I have struggled with the whole issue of Church and faith and the deep rooted desire to pass this great gift of faith that we have received, on to them both.

It's such an odd situation for us. We were both non-churched kids who came to faith together as adults. Our children were old enough to be a part of this conversion process and shared this new life in faith with us. We are now quite heartbroken that our son has moved away from the church and our daughter is walking a pretty thin line. It's easy to take it all personally, "Where did we fail God?" "What did I do wrong?" "Was it too much of this? Not enough of that?" Sometimes it seemed as though the self-flagellation would never end!

Then my priest and friend gave me a much needed (and extremely challenging, from an evagelization perspective) piece of advice. All we can do as disciples is to live the faith as honestly as we know how, and as our own brokenness will allow, and to show the face of Christ to others to the best of our ability. We must do this with the knowledge that this alone will never bring someone to faith. That's not our job and never was. No, he said, a person does not come to faith, whether adult or child, or that mysterious in-between creature we know as the adolescent because of anything we have done or not done. At the end of the day, faith is a result of a relationship that grows between an individual and Christ. The reality that found Andrew as merely the vehicle for bringing others to Jesus is just as true for parents.

He went on with a bit of a wry grin, not content to leave it at that, the fact of the matter is, when evagenlization is done properly and done, as was said, to the best of our broken abilities, but with a sincere heart nonetheless, we cannot be blamed for those who see Christ and are determined to walk another way...and at the same time, we cannot take the credit when faith finds it's home.

It was very relieving to hear those words as a parent (though the sadness and disappointment remain just a sharp), but also extremely humbling as a disciple, this idea that I really can't take any credit for anyone who does happen to come to faith because of something I've done or said, or the way that I have loved because in the end, it was never really about me at all.

Loved the post Steve!

[Lee]

Alas, other factors can intrude.

My first wife - who went off with a schismatic church and is now seeking "ordination" - and I shared custody. Every other weekend the girls were with me and went to Catholic Church. When they were with her, they went to the schismatic church.

They are now adults. One goes to the schismatic church occasionally. One does not go to church much, but is not happy with the schismatic church. I've managed to convince her to come to my church a few times when my contemporary group (Rock of Faith) is playing. The youngest began boycotting the schismatic church and continued going to church with me when she was here. But then she went off to college and deserted Christianity for Buddhism.

Given the mixed messages they got while growing yup, it's not surprising they've done some of the things they've done.

I pray for them often. I worry about them. It does hurt. I look back to see where I went wrong, how I could have encouraged them in the faith. But for now I must trust in God to bring them home.

[Katharine]

This is a very interesting topic. I'm another who wasn't raised in the Church and then chose it for myself (by the grace of God) as an adult. I think I will most likely not try to coerce my children into being practicing Catholics at all, should the issue arise.