Making the darkness a bit brighter

Reading the news at CNS I found the opening words of this story - a quote from Pope Benedict - to ring very true for me:

One's feelings of hatred must be washed away with forgiveness and humble service toward others -- they should never be left to linger long enough to poison the soul

It's short and sweet and simple - and often hard to do, and hard to do so consistently. When you take a look around the world at the war, the injustice, the crime and sin of the day, it seems to me that a lot of it comes from harboring and nurturing hatred towards others. And the same could apply to our personal sin - feelings of resentment and anger towards others that we allow to find a home inside us.

We have a natural tendency to feel anger, resentment and hatred. I'm not saying we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel those things; they are just feelings, after all. It's natural to have all sorts of feelings. The key is not letting those negative things find a home in our hearts - washing them away 'with forgiveness and humble service toward others' before they are there long enough to stick to our souls.

But you know, it's not always easy to forgive. And there is so much in this world, in our modern society, that pulls us towards selfishness and away from humility, towards narcissism and away from serving others.

I've found that as I help others, the darkness in my heart gets brighter. As the focus shifts from me and my selfishness towards the humanness of others and how I can be of service to them, there just isn't as much room for the anger and resentment.

Comments

[crystal]

as I help others, the darkness in my heart gets brighter - :-)

Happy Easter, Steve!

[Steve Bogner]

Thanks Crystal - And Happy Easter to you, too :)

[crystal]

Steve, I know you're probably busy, but if you have time, I've tagged you with a meme :-)

[ms]

the whole idea of forgiveness is a mystery, its very hard for me. i am at least in theory an educated person, including catholic schooling thru my 1st yr of college and though i have done most every sin but murder (and even some that Benedict 16 just added) and while for that reason i have not been part of a church for many years i have not abandoned god or catholocism or spirituality. So poor catholic though I am i do think of these things regularly as i try to find my way back into the church, the community i really long for but am afraid will turn away. Forgiveness is a big one i struggle with. One challenge is knowing if i forgive...not that i am so important as to really have much to forgive, mostly its just life -- i guess its all just life, its the life i was given to live, so who am i to say that oe's actions or inactions are such as to justify anything untoward enough in me as to require or even suggest forgiveness? whatever i have experienced and that in some quarters may be viewed as the sort of thing that would engender the anger, the poison inside and such -- who am i to make that judgment that it was such as might reuqire, deserve, justify my "forgiveness?" incest and abuse as a child i probably didnt ask for, certainly not at the beginning, but was i not the one responsible for marrying the same man later on, with all the worst cahracteristics of my family? yes, that was my choice, so what right did i ever have to be angry about his behaviors? am i not soley responsible for marrying a man (outside the church, another sin) and then ignoring, justifying and accepting his abuse and then doing nothing about it? am i not then also solely responsble for bringing into that mess a child who in my heart i know he abused, but which abuse i was too blind to see until after he was dead? had i stayed married and not jumped ship after my child was born, i might have been better able to protect her; my selfishness I tried to justify with the idea that she'd be safer with him gone, not having to see mom deal with the abuse/drinking/drugging; my hope she wouldn't grow up thinking those behaviors acceptable, marrying the same man, repeating the cycle. And what right have i to be angry at my parents, esp once i knew it wasn't normal, it was wrong but i never told, left or asked for help? was there at times self anger? of course, at my own weakness and fear. i don't think forgiveness has anything to do with the perceived offender but is truly only self-directed...sometimes i think i have forgiven, and then? things change, after all these years there are still triggers, things remembered. I don't get angry any more at them and myself not so often either - its been a long time since i had any self-direcetd anger (so far as I know) but who decides what neeeds forgiven? Not seeing god as uncaring, uninvolved or anything of the sort, but he gave free will for a reason, knowing certainly some would choose less well, and isn't it all part of some scheme, some plan greater than us all, that we cant possibly know or understand? I have and still do wonder- how do i know if i forgive or if i only retreated to enough denial to pretend forgiveness? how do you know if you forgive? I don't fantasize of or want to kill them anymore; they're old and i feel sorry for them stuck in denial, knowing with denial of one area comes the loss of a lot of other areas of our lives (at least for me, good is lost as well as "bad.") No self harm done or thought of much, little to no thinking of killing myself lately. I feel sorry for them -- him more than her - knowing there must have been some pretty screwed up stuff in their lives for them to become who they were and to do what they did, all while dragging us to church every sunday and working hard for the tuition for 4 kids in catholic school-- but is that forgiveness? Feeling sorry seems more patronizing and condescending, not at all nice. Doesn't forgiveness require a wrong done -- real or imagined? Society says incest, abuse, etc are wrong but who am i to make that judgment on these people who flawed as they are could (and i feared often would) kill me but despite the abuse fed, clothed, educated me? they gave me things i needed so that counts for something, right? there are way too many who don't survive parents like mine, so even for all the hurtful terrifying stuff they kept me alive and provided for me. And then the obvious question - why not me? i survived and lots of kids don't so it wasn't as bad as it could've been; anyway, to say "why me" implicitly suggests there was a better or more appropriate "victim" (hate that word but couldn't think of another) who more deserved these things. How wrong to suggest however implicitly someone else should have had to deal with it... The whole idea of forgiveness in the traitional sense seems kind of condescending and patronizing, a way to validate that we were wronged and the perceived offender is somehow so lacking that he/she needs our "forgiveness," whatever that is. frankly my parents remain in denial and had they any idea that i thought there was anything for me to "forgive" would push them deeper into denial and undo whatever small steps i've taken to have some connection/relation to them. I understand the poison and bitterness in my heart is bad - it keeps me from others and pushes them away, it leads me to self-harm in whatever form - but if i don't know what forgiveness is, what it means, how it happens (is it something i do or it just happens?) then how could i ever forgive? Is it really my place to "forgive" or is it more that we shouldn't live with recrimnation and self hatred that leads to self-harm and destruction as we try to flee the detritus of the past? If there is any true forgiveness i think it must come ony from god and that our role in the process is to allow ourselves to be loved and validated and heard enough to get rid of the secrets that hold us back, that we mask with our self destruciton, and to come to some level of comfort that things are just the way they are and trust that god has our backs.
sorry for the rambling and the space i took - really - i wrote several comments and erased them all as convuluted misdirected ramblings, but i went ahead and leave this b/c it is a concept i struggle with so much lately and i am so tired right now of struggling and if forgiveness makes any difference i would like to be done with the torn feelings and uncertainty of what to do at this point, with the folks getting hold and seeing their own mortality, and quite frankly i have spent so much time in treatment, etc trying to put things behind me, or in an appropriate place, whatever that might be, and i just want to move on ...i thought we were done with this a long time ago but it hasn't gone anywhere, and yes htere are perhaps a few lies so far as self harm and all, but it is how i can cope, and i've had enough. If forgiveness is the answer I think I may have the question and am looking for a way to stay in the present (untainted by the past) and look to the future.

[Patrick]

Hi ms.

I am with you on this one. I too feel that our forgiveness can seem very condescending....

I believe our part in forgiveness is what you have described in moving beyond recrimination, self hatred and any desire to harm ourselves or anyone else. As manifestations of the Love we know as God, we only have to alllow ourselves to move on and not wallow in self pity or any desire for revenge against the other person or persons. Revenge and self pity are the complare opposite and absolute dichotomy of forgiveness.

You are more aware than many who live on high horses bestowing forgivenes on "lesser mortals", than themselves. May you find rest and a sincere joy in a safe place of Peace and Love and dare I say true fellowship.

[ms]

thank you patrick