Forgive from the heart

Sometimes it’s hard to really forgive. How often do we simply brush-off something, and call it forgiveness? Someone says they’re sorry for hurting us, damaging our relationship, and we say “Don’t worry about it,” or “It’s no big deal.” Or sometimes we simply don’t mention it, letting the infraction pass into distant memory, thinking we’ve moved past it and forgiven the person who wronged us. Why do we do that? It doesn’t seem like true forgiveness.

I looked up ‘forgive’ in a dictionary, and one thing that struck me was this definition: to forgive is to grant pardon without harboring resentment. There are other meanings with slight variations, but I like this one.

Remember the Gospel story about the guy who didn’t pay back his debt, begged for some patience and got it? Then he turned around and roughed-up someone who owed him money. This didn’t go over well with the master:

His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?' Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart."

Forgive one another from your hearts – that can be a really tough sometimes. But, it’s either do that, or be handed over to the torturers. I like to get my motivation from the positive things in life, not the negative, so my focus is on God’s forgiveness of my faults, from The Heart to my heart. That inspires me.

I’m finding that the older I get, and the closer I feel to God, the more likely I am to truly forgive others. Over the years I have had some wonderfully spectacular screw-ups, so I can appreciate being forgiven, starting over with a slate wiped clean. And as I begin to understand how undeserving I am of God’s grace, how it truly is a precious, life-giving gift to a sinner; I am reminded that we’re all human, reaching for the Divine and frequently falling short.

Comments

[Jim]

I'm wondering, Steve: do you think us capable of completely forgetting incidents? Paul and Barnabus "split company" in the Book of Acts over a disagreement. I've no doubt they remained friends, but the rent was evidently strong enough that they never worked together again. there is an incident or two in my life like that. I bear no condemnation toward them and pray God continue to anoint and use them in their ministries; but I would also yet find it hard to work under them........

[penni]

i find myself forgiving more easily as i grow older; maybe it's because i have too much other *reality* stuff to deal with than to worry and obsess over things that are easily forgiven -- however, what about the big things? what about the major, hurt to the core-type things?

i am uncertain of who i am quoting, someone saintly no doubt, who was asked for her thoughts on forgiving someone's offense - she said something along the lines: "not only have i forgiven (that person), i distinctly remember forgetting about it."

does it say anywhere in the bible we are to "forgive and forget?" i'd say yes - in addition to "He remembers no more our sins..." i found in micah 7:18-19:

Who is there like you, the God who removes guilt and pardons sin for the remnant of his inheritance; Who does not persist in anger forever, but delights rather in clemency, and will again have compassion on us, treading underfoot our guilt? You will cast into the depths of the sea all our sins...

if we are to strive to be holy, then we need to take the *forgive and forget* part pretty seriously, it would seem to me.

peace.

[Steve Bogner]

Jim, I've always thought that forgiving someone doesn't mean we have to like being around them. There are plenty of good people whose style just clashes with mine. Given a choice, I'd choose not to be around them. I think forgiveness & friendship are two separate things.

Penni, I'm with you on the *reality* aspect. On forgiving and forgetting... I hesitate on this one because I think that phrase is over/mis-used. For me, the 'forget' part of it means that we have to let go of the pain & resentment. If we try to 'forget' without processing the anger & resentment then it builds up and explodes on us later on. For me, the 'forget' has to include 'letting go'; I agree that it is essential for holiness.

[susan]

Ahh.... forgiveness. I've got someone I've been working on forgiving for something for over 2 years now.

Everytime I think I'm there, I realize I'm not. The distance gets cut by more than half, but there's always a little bit left.

It's hard. All I can do though is take it to prayer and ask God for the strength and grace to see with the eyes of my heart and truly forgive this person. And myself.

Great post Steve, as always.

[Crystal]

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things for me. It helps to remind myself of the people I've hurt and how much I hope they can forgive me.

[Kat]

For me personally, it took a "rubber meeting the road" moment for me to forgive my father for the things he did to me over severa years. Amazingly enough it is a "bloggy friend" who knows more about the situation and details then any one else. But It took me a gut-renching week where I had to come to terms with the fact that, I too, am a mortal human being and will one day "exit stage right" thankfully that won't be soon (excluding any accidents). But it took that "rubber meeting the road" moment for me to look at my life and all the things in it and I made a list of all the things I hadn't done yet... I hadn't run a marathon, I hadn't gone sky diving, I hadn't gone scuba diving off the great barrior reef, I hadn't travled to Rome or seen the Pyrimids... and I hadn't forgiven myself for things I had done, but most importantly I hadn't forgiven my father or fully 'let go' of all that pain.

Grace comes in all sorts of packages, even in the ones that scare the hell out of us.

[Steve Bogner]

Thanks Susan. If you keep cutting the distance by half, eventually you'll get close enough to jump the distance ;)

Crystal, I like that image of sort-of turning the table.

Hi Kat - Thanks for dropping by and commenting. Grace in packages that scare the hell out of us... those may be the ones we need most. I admire your courage to do that.

[Lorna]

to forgive is to grant pardon without harboring resentment. - that's a very good definition.

Forgiving is very very hard. I can recommend RTKendall's book Total Forgiveness. It's a helpful insight into how to get there. Very readable.

I don't think we are to forget, and forgiving does not necessarily mean reconcilliation, but it does mean no longer holding that sin against the other person.

Hard? You bet!

[doshar]

forgiveness without harboring resentment. i don't think this is always in our hands to give.

i know that being forgiving in general is a good trait. but God has given us the right to seek our rights, and if we forgive, it would be better for us. if we seek God's forgiveness, we should TRY to be as tolerant as possible with others and definitely not transgress.

God Knows our nature and knows it is difficult sometimes, and thus the reward for forgiveness is so great. But if there is something that you can't forgive, and ask for your debt, you would not be wrong.

As a general rule, God would treat us somehow in the same manner we treat our fellow brothers and sisters, there is a hadith that says the meaning of "he who shows no mercy, is shown none" sometimes not forgiving is not through cruelty, but through sheer incapability, due to grave damage that has become us.